Hey, everybody! One of the things about being young and cute is that you can get away with a lot. And while that is one of the themes running through this blog, it also means – if you’re ambitious enough – that you can meet people you may not have met otherwise. Charlie and I have always been Dick Cavett fans, since back in the late 2015s. Being the older sister, I obviously knew about him through various means that I am not at liberty to discuss (but suffice it to say that these means may or may not have involved the exchange of large quantities of back-channel Goodnight Moon Fan Club memorabilia through an Indianapolis-area pawn shop), and I passed along my appreciation to the Chuckster.
So one day we’re online, just tooling around, looking for blog ideas, when we happen upon a Dick Cavett fan site, coincidentally run by an old buddy of Charlie’s from fetus camp. Well, I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it to say by the time the smoke cleared, A and The C had secured an interview with the wily old raconteur. As you can see, the interview had an inauspicious beginning, an awkward middle, and a violent end. Ha ha, I’m just kidding about the end. Well, not entirely kidding, I guess. Charlie “accidentally” reverse-head butted The Cav’s nose because he was laughing so hard at Dick’s old war stories. Anyway, here we go. Enjoy!
Dick Cavett: Well, good morning, Ava and Charlie – it is Charlie, not really The Chach?
Charlie Marsh: That’s right, Dick. Can I call you Dick?
Dick: Well, sure. That’s my name.
Charlie: Yeah, okay. Easy for you to say, you’re not one year old. This is all new to me.
Dick: Point taken, Charlie.
Charlie: I should hope so.
Ava: He should hope so.
Dick: I heard him, thanks.
Charlie: Dude, seriously. Why do you do that?
Ava: Do what?
Charlie: Repeat what I say, like I’m speaking gibberish, and you’re the only one who can understand me.
Ava: Because sometimes you speak gibberish, and I’m the only one who can understand you.
Charlie: I’m just messing with you.
Dick: So, I’m ready when both of you are.
Ava: We’re ready, Dick. Can I call you Dick?
Dick: Yes, of course, I just –
Ava: Yeah, I was just kidding, Dick. Remember, I’m more than twice Charlie’s age.
Charlie: Knock it off, sis. Why you gotta bust balls?
Ava: Sorry, Chuck. You know that’s my thing.
Charlie: So anyway, we’re ready when you are, Dick.
Dick: Great, ask away. (Uncomfortable silence.)
Ava: I’m sorry, what?
Dick: I’m happy to answer any of your questions, except for questions related to my love life, as I’m sure my agent mentioned.
Ava: Wait, you think we’re asking you questions?
Dick: Uh, sure, that was my understanding.
Ava: Why would we do that?
Dick: Well, I mean, not to blow my own horn, but I was a pretty big deal back in the day.
Charlie: I just pooped a little.
Dick: (Clears throat.) Oh. Okay, I’m sorry you don’t seem to be a fan, but –
Charlie: No, I literally just pooped.
Dick: Oh, goodness. Well, let’s get you to a restroom!
Charlie: No, thanks.
Dick: I’m sorry?
Charlie: I’m good.
Dick: So you’re just going to sit there? In your excrement?
Charlie: Don’t judge, Dick. You look pretty close to diaper status yourself.
Dick: No comment.
Charlie: Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Ava: Dick, look, he’s just a kid. You know how these millennials are. Anyway, let’s get something clear. Yeah, you’re an institution, an iconic figure from several decades ago. I get it. And Charlie and I, we’re big fans. But there are a couple things I need to point out.
Dick: Oh, okay. Go right ahead.
Ava: One: The thing you were so iconic about was interviewing people.
Dick: (Nodding.) Okay, point taken.
Ava: And two, Charlie and I are a combined 41 months old, and we have a Facebook page, a Twitter account, and a blog.
Dick: Ava – can I call you Ava?
Ava: Don’t be obtuse, Dick. Of course you can.
Dick: Remember when Charles Barkley said, “Any moron can score?”
Ava: Sure, who doesn’t?
Dick: Well, the same thing applies to social media.
Ava: I’m sorry, what do you – oh, I get it. Yeah, you got a point there.
Dick: But I take your point about my iconicism as an interviewer. So I’ll ask the questions.
Charlie: Ha! Is that even a word?
Dick: Iconicism? (Chucking.) If it’s not, we just made it up, I guess. You know, language is an ever-evolving —
Charlie: No, not that word.
Dick: Oh, then what word?
Dick: Yes, that is a word.
Charlie: Okay, just checking.
Dick: Ah, to be young.
Ava: Ain’t that the truth.
Dick: So let’s get right to it. As young people, what kind of music are you two into?
Ava: Well, I’ll tell you, Dick. My brother and I, we’re not the easiest of audiences.
Dick: How so?
Ava: Well, look. Let’s just say the previous generation had pretty loose standards, and now along we come, and we see this stuff, and it’s like, who was in charge? Who didn’t make the bed? Who let the dogs out?
Charlie: Hah! See what she did there?
Dick: Sure, Charlie. Clever. Ava, can you give me an example of what you’re talking about?
Ava: I sure can, Dick: Look, you know that kid, Justin Bieber? The one with the haircut that looks like it came out of a Ronco blender?
Dick: I do know of him, Ava. That was the second worst haircut after the man-bun.
Ava: Bam! I knew I liked you, Dick! So anyway, he’s got that song where he says, “My mama don’t like you, and she likes everyone”? And it’s on the radio, and whatnot, right? But that sentence is internally inconsistent – if your mama likes everyone, she can’t not like the girl he’s singing to, right? Because she likes everyone. So right there, Boom. You lost me, Biebs.
Dick: Okay, Ava. But don’t you think that’s asking a lot of an artist? Doesn’t he have some artistic license?
Ava: Not to maul the English language, he doesn’t. I mean, maybe that’s okay in Canada, or Michigan, or wherever he’s from. But here in the U.S., we don’t play that.
Ava: Yeah. Look, I’m just saying that language is a fragile thing.
Dick: It is?
Ava: Uh, yes, that’s why I just said it. Plus, the premise of the song is untenable: Like he’s the reasonable one in the relationship.
Dick: Aha. I agree.
Ava: I mean, he’s a total tampon.
Dick: A what?
Charlie: Hah! She just went there!
Ava: Whoops. Can I say that here?
Dick: You mean a douche?
Ava: You said it, I didn’t. Whatever my mom uses, that’s what he is.
Dick: So, Charlie, how would you describe your relationship with your older sister?
Ava: I’ll take this one –
Charlie: Dude, come on!
Ava: What, you know I’m the verbal one. You’re more…. emotive.
Charlie: Now you’re making up words!
Ava: “Emotive”? It is totally a word. You can look it –
Charlie: I’m taking about “verbal”.
Charlie: Nah, I’m just messin’ with you, sis.
Ava: Good one, Chuck!
Charlie: (Leaning in and whispering to Dick.) So “verbal” is really a word?
Dick: It is.
Charlie: (Nods.) Okay. I thought I heard it all, but okay.
Charlie: So anyway, I’d say our relationship is complicated, but there’s a real bond there.
Ava: We crack each other up.
Dick: Is that so?
Charlie: Oh, yeah. Watching her try to grow hair? Gets me every time.
Ava: Seriously? You’re going there?
Charlie: And I’m going there. And I’m gonna order a pizza when I get there, because I’ll be there for awhile.
Ava: No, I was talking to Charlie. Dude, you know I’m sensitive about that.
Dick: I do see that Charlie has a full head of hair, bangs, and even a mullet. And Ava, I mean…
Ava: Yeah. I get it. I’m follically challenged. Actually, I probably have as much hair as Charlie, but my head is so freaking big, it just looks like I have less.
Charlie: Not sure that’s your best comeback, sis.
Dick: Let’s change the subject.
Charlie: Ask her if she gets food in her diaper!
Ava: Excuse me?
Dick: Food in her diaper, Charlie?
Charlie: She knows what I’m talking about.
Dick: Ava, Charlie has leveled a fairly, uh, potent allegation. What do you have to say?
Ava: Well, first off, Dick, I think it’s an intriguing question if you consider the source.
Dick: Oh, how so?
Ava: Well, look, I’m not going to deny that Mom and Dad occasionally find some shredded Colby Jack Cheese in my privates –
Charlie: Ask her about the cheddar!
Ava: Okay, I guess perhaps other types of cheese as well. It really depends on what they feed us for dinner on a given night. Keep in in mind, by the way, that most children’s clothing doesn’t have pockets. So if we want to snack later, we have to put it somewhere. But I’ll be darned, Dick, if I’m going to sit here and listen to these kinds of accusations from a guy who regularly has all four food groups mixed in with his fecal matter – and by the way, I’m not talking about digested food, either. Fully formed blueberries, pieces of toast, hardboiled egg, mac and cheese, chicken –
Dick: I think I get the picture.
Ava: I mean, seriously. Where does he get off?
Charlie: Cheese in your diaper!
Ava: So immature. I want my paci.
Dick: Your what?
Ava: My paci, my paci. I want my green paci.
Charlie: She means pacifier, Dick.
Dick: Oh, that’s why you wanted only green pacifiers in your dressing room.
Ava: I am what I am, Dick.
Dick: Okay, here we go. We’ve got someone bringing you a green pacifier.
Ava: Clip it.
Ava: Clip it!
Charlie: She wants you to clip the pacifier to her shirt.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Charlie: And I’m the immature one.
Dick: Okay, then. Well, that was edifying. How about your relationships with your parents?
Charlie: How about it?
Ava: Yeah, that’s a little broad, Dick.
Charlie: That’s what she said!
Ava: Sorry, Dick. We – and when I say, “we”, I mean Charlie — can be a little young for our age sometimes. Anyway, I guess our relationship with our parents is pretty standard. They’re all sincere and loving, and we’re all manipulative and just enjoying ourselves.
Dick: Manipulative? What do you mean?
Ava: You know, they don’t want us to throw our food, so we throw our food. They don’t want us to lean over our high chairs and give food to the dog, so that’s what we do.
Dick: Wow. You’re so open about it.
Ava: Yeah, because what are they going to do about it? Corporal punishment went out with Hogan’s Heroes, you know? It’s just not cool anymore.
Dick: Okay, so how do they respond when you disobey them?
Charlie: Very sternly. (Ava and Charlie laugh.) And then Ava says to them, “Don’t throw food,” in this high-pitched voice. It’s pretty funny.
Dick: Well, that seems pretty advanced for your ages. Ava: Actually it’s pretty textbook,
Dick. We all learn that stuff growing up.
Charlie: But not everyone can execute it that well.
Ava: True that.
Dick: But where do you learn it from?
Ava: (Sighs.) Oh, I don’t know, Dick. We – and by “we”, I mean “I” — read a lot of Boynton, Dr. Seuss, stuff like that. You just pick it up as you go.
Dick: Well, guys, it looks like we’re out of time.
Ava: Really? I was going to sing “Uptown Funk”!
Dick: Oh, well maybe I can get us a few extra minutes. In fact, the cameraman over there is also a talent agent for a major record label. This could be your big break!
Ava and Charlie: Dick!
Charlie: Told you we should have gone with Koppel.
Dick: Good night, everybody!